If i may tone it back a bit, i'd like to address something of a more personal matter. Now, we are all human here and of course one man's trash is another man's treasure, and it can only go without saying that what seems like torture to one person might just be a typical day in the life of another. And i am in no place to assign the title of taboo to certain behaviors just because they don't appeal to me, but there is a point where one need's to put one's foot down!
Just this past week a close friend of yours truly was subject to a very terrible occurrence. Someone abducted a lawn decoration from his front yard late one night a few weeks back. The poor guy awoke the next day to find his favorite lawn gnome missing, and believe me, he did not take that news well! He called me that day, clearly very distraught and panicked, asking about his red lawn gnome. Unfortunately, i couldn't offer any answers as it became more and more evident that this was really happening. It didn't become clear the full extent of human depravity until this week when he found an unaddressed envelope in his mail. To his horror, the envelope contained photos of HIS OWN RED LAWN GNOME, tied to a stake and dressed in make up and drag, apparently forced to model a photo shoot with a toy motorcycle.
This is beyond disgust and horror. This is the tenth degree of unforgivable and i can't believe i have to share my breathing air with the sort of piece of shit that could perform this manner of atrocity. If this isn't shocking enough, then sit down. Because this happens ALL THE TIME. The federal Bureau of Approximated Statistics reports over FORTY CASES A YEAR of home vandalism involving lawn gnomes. This has got to stop, people. The internet is flooding with pornographic web sites featuring simulated forced gnome portraiture, catering to the "erotic fetish fantasy" demographic, but what happens when children are unguided in seeing these images and develop a sense that this is a correct means to stimulation. I am on the verge of tears thinking of the tens of hundreds of dollars spent on lawn decor only to be unjustly treated in the name of "Viral Video Extremism". What horrors will we be witness to five years from now at this rate if this trend goes unchecked?
If we don't take action now to put this to an end, not only gnomes, but plastic flamingos, concrete squirrels, even lawn jockeys may become subjected to this highly inhumane treatment. And as far as i'm concerned, if you're entertained by a lawn gnome and a plastic flamingo forced to reenact scenes from Thelma and Loise or Top Gun, then you're in inhuman fucking monster. Period.
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